Sunday, July 8, 2012

The courage to shine

And then some days I walk out of therapy, and I think, What am I doing?

More to the point, why do I keep doing it?

It's true I don't know where I'm going next; I don't know about careers and I'm not at all sure I know how to turn a first date into something more.

I often feel like I don't fit people's notions of what I should be, or of what a woman should be.

But then I start to think, maybe I don't buck their notions enough.

Out of fear of being seen as too different, too opinionated, too strong, I hold back.

And what happens is that I end up, quite literally, sitting on the sidelines watching other people shine.


There are some beautiful dancers who come out on Tuesday nights. And what makes them beautiful is not what they're wearing or how they look or their figures, but the way that they are completely present. They dance LOUDLY, infusing every step with their personalities, their boldness, their sexiness. Some of this is the length of time they've been dancing and watching others and having learned how and when to pull away from the lead and not be led. Some of this is having the guts to do all these things, to ask for exactly what they want.

Since I started learning this dance, my confidence has grown, but it still has a way to go until I let myself be that kind of dancer.

who are you

So I observe myself, and take notes: with which partners do I burst forth, and with which do I hold back? How do my partners react when I add some little flourish? What gets me the biggest smile? What brings forth the moments when I shine?

Maybe after I figure it out on the floor, I'll start to figure it out off the floor as well.

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